In my course of life as a mother and counselor, I have heard many women say to me, “I hate my stepdaughter”. Now, they normally do not say this in pride, but because they are concerned and want help in changing the situation.
Hate is a strong word, and it is often said that a woman’s hatred is like wild fire. So, it is only normal that when we feel traces of hatred, we try to get help. What makes it even more complicated is the fact that you are in love with the father of your stepdaughter.
How is it that you have two persons in your life – but hate one and love the other? But if we are to be truthful with ourselves, it is totally possible, and you are not alone.
In this article, we will provide expert advice and guidance on what you can do when you find yourself in this situation.
If you are someone who has said, “I hate my stepdaughter – what can I do?” Then trust me when I say you have already solved half of the problem.
Before we go into what you can do, let us start from the basics – shall we?
Why Do I feel Hatred for My Stepdaughter?
As I often love to do, let us look at the root of the problem before we talk about how to solve it. Before we address the question of “what can I do?” Let us answer, “why do I feel hatred for my stepdaughter.”
There is no need to try to pretend about it. On the other hand, please do not blame yourself too much about it either. Let’s all accept it. Being a stepparent is not a walk-in-the-pack like you see in many movies.
When you are marrying a man who has a daughter already, there are bound to be multiple personality clashes – no matter the age of your stepdaughter.
So, you first have to accept that things won’t be completely smooth as regards your relationship with your stepdaughter.
Now that you are aware that there are bound to be a difference in personality and issues with acceptance, we can go to how you can handle it.
Literarily, you are both sharing the same man – his attention, love, and care. And you already know women do not like to share. So, what can you do? Now, we will answer the question, and guide you.
Is It Okay to Not Like Your Step Children
Coming into a marriage where your partner already has children from another woman can be challenging. In reality, it is a different ball game from what you experienced during the courting phase.
Except on very few occasions, step children do not like the idea of a step mother or father – and vice versa. But to answer this question plainly. No it is not okay.
It is not okay not to like your step children. If you have made the decision to marry someone you love, you would have to love his/her children also.
We are not saying this is going to be easy, but it is something you would have to put in some effort into. You would have to consciously make it work out, because there would be problems in the marriage if you don’t. Please do not put your spouse in the position where they have to settle issues between you and their step children.
Also, it would be best if you never put them in a situation where they have to make a choice between you and their step children.
Also Read: How to Deal With a Lying Stepchild
Is It Normal to Hate My Stepdaughter
There is a thin line between being normal, and being right. No, hating a stepdaughter is common, it is also normal to some people – but shouldn’t be.
Let us accept the fact that on many occasions, having a stepdaughter can be a handful – especially as a lady. Usually, a stepdaughter has a lot of baggage and often sees you as someone who has come to take her mother’s place.
They see you as the reason things didn’t work out between her parents. Or as someone who has come to steal her father’s attention and love. It is usually a very complicated relationship – in the wrong way.
But often, you are the mature one out of the two, and you should try to handle the situation maturely. Hating your stepdaughter would only cause more problems for you. You cannot erase her because she is a part of your husband’s life.
No, it is not normal to hate your stepdaughter, and as much as possible, you should try not to.
Why You Hate Your Stepdaughter?
I know what you would be thinking now. You would be saying to yourself, ‘if you say it is not normal to hate my stepdaughter, why do I hate her?’
Well, this is a good question, and if you are asking this, it shows a sign of progress that you are becoming a better person.
Everybody wants to enjoy the first couple of years of their marriage – alone with their spouse. But this isn’t going to happen if your spouse already has a child from another partner.
On many occasions, your partner may not even have time for you due to stepdaughter responsibilities. Also, you may have to cope with her being around at all times. This means that you both cannot get the alone time you so much crave.
In some other cases, having a stepdaughter may mean you have to start taking care of a child who isn’t biologically yours. When this is the case, it is normal for you to feel you are doing too much – especially when you haven’t had a child of your own.
From experience also, coming into a marriage where there is a stepdaughter may give you the challenge of trying to catch up. Especially if your spouse is so fond of her. You may feel you are not getting the love and attention you deserve.
You may even be unlucky to have a stepdaughter who is dramatic and can lie against you or set you up. These and more are some of the reasons why you may feel hatred for your stepdaughter.
What do you do if you find yourself in this situation? Well, let us find out.
What To Do When You Can’t Stand Your Stepdaughter
If you want to enjoy your marriage, you cannot afford to be at war with your stepdaughter. You will need to find a lasting solution to the issues so that you can enjoy your marriage and home.
Yes, it is possible! You can make things work, and become friends with the stepdaughter whom you usually couldn’t stand.
In this session, we have outlined 5 tips to guide you if you can’t stand your stepdaughter
5 Tips to Consider If You Can’t Stand Your Stepdaughter
1. Understand Her Situation
You need to look at things from her point of view and understand the situation. Again, this is you putting yourself in the shoes of your stepdaughter.
You have to see things from her perspective, and understand she feels threatened by your addition to the family. Her reaction to you is her way of feeling protected or protecting what she has. She may be trying to protect her freedom, care, or love from her parents.
So, maybe you shouldn’t take things too personally, but try to understand the situation and her position.
2. Put in the Time and Work to Build
Everything – including strong lasting relationships takes time to build. You need to put in the time and work to build a good relationship with your stepdaughter.
You don’t expect her to just accept you as a step parent. So, you should be prepared to work hard, and sacrifice your time to build a good relationship with her.
As a step parent, you will need patience and maturity to handle your stepdaughter the right way, towards enjoying a healthy marriage relationship with your spouse.
3. Accept Your Role
You need to accept your role – as a parent in the family. You need to see your stepdaughter as your daughter – and treat her as one.
Well, I agree that this may not be as easy as it seems, and you may have a daughter who doesn’t want to be treated as your daughter. But this is also something your role entails – identifying and solving problems.
As a parent, you cannot be overwhelmed by problems and challenges in the home. You will have to identify the problems and move to solve them heads on. So, if there is a problem with your stepdaughter, you need to act not just as a parent – but as her parent – which you are!
4. Talk About It With Your Spouse
Honestly, it would be best if you had a discussion about your step daughter with your spouse. It would help if you continually talked to your partner about the situation and your relationship with your stepdaughter.
However, you have to be careful in the way you handle this so that it doesn’t look like you are complaining. It would be best if you remembered that your partner knows her better than you and has a better relationship with her.
So, your partner may be able to understand her actions – or reactions, and advise you on what to do. Your partner may also assist in bridging the gap between the two of you.
In my opinion, it is always a good idea to talk to your partner about your relationship with your stepdaughter.
5. Seek Counseling From a Professional
I agree that this is one thing that many of us do not like to consider for obvious reasons. But in situations such as this, you need to consider seeing a professional counselor.
The reason why you need to consider this, especially after you have considered all other options but failed, is to be sure there are no bigger issues.
Sometimes, the issue may be bigger than what meets the eye. So, if it seems like nothing is working and all your efforts are going to waste, you should consider seeing a professional guidance counselor.
I Hate My Stepdaughter – What You Can Do to Help?
If you are asking this question, then it is a good step in the right direction. Firstly, you need to accept that hating your stepdaughter is not a good thing, and you need help.
Secondly, you need to be calm about the situation and be ready to accept help in the form in which it presents itself. What this means is that the help may not be in the form which you want it to be.
For instance, having to create more time for your stepdaughter and showing her more love and concern may be the solution.
Yes, this may affect your personal plans and life balance, but you have to do it. Like I always advise partners who have issues with their stepdaughters, you should not allow your hatred for your spouse to be bigger than your love for your partner.
In all you do, always allow good to overcome evil – and love overcome hate. In all you do and the decisions you make, try to make sure they are geared towards creating a better relationship between you and your stepdaughter.
This will go a long way in making your marriage more enjoyable.
Also Read: Common Unwanted Behaviors In Kids & How to Handle Them
Conclusion
It is somewhat difficult not to have a feeling of hatred for your stepdaughter, especially if she is being disobedient and rude. In some case, it is possible that she is making the marriage rather unbearable for you.
If you feel this way, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You are not alone, and there are millions of people around the world who feel the same way.
But the truth is that you don’t want to lose your marriage because of your stepdaughter. You should not let your hatred for your stepdaughter overpower the love you have for your spouse.
It would be best if you considered taking the advice shared in this article to enable you to manage the situation. Good luck!
