Dealing with lying stepchild can be a tough one, but you can achieve your goal if you employ the right tactics. Let’s go though this piece together and uncover how to deal with lying stepchild. Generally, hearing a child tell crazy lies when it’s obvious what they are saying are untrue can be quite frustrating. When this behavior is coming from a stepchild, it can be harder to deal with. This can leave you feeling super uncomfortable in your own home if you do not learn how to tackle this early.
This article will guide you on how to deal with your lying stepchild in a way that is comfortable for everyone.
What To Do When Stepchild Lies About You
Handling a situation as complex as this requires a great deal of empathy. There are many reasons children tell lies. Sometimes, their imagination feels so real they confuse it with reality. At other times, the lying is very intentional and done in a bid to achieve an ulterior motive.
Getting in the child’s mind will put you in the best position to get to the bottom of the issue. Is your stepchild lying because they cannot differentiate imagination from reality? Or are they lying out of fear? Or maybe to create a rift between you and your significant other. Putting in the effort to get close to your stepchild when they are telling lies about you may appear counterproductive but it’s the only way out.
This is not the time to second guess your relationship or regret ever accepting your stepchildren into your home. What you need to do is diagnose the matter at hand to arrive at a proper way of handling it. To get started, let’s look at some of the reasons children tell lies. Read closely and take note of the circumstance that resonates with you.
Also Read: Signs Of a Manipulative Child And How to Deal With Them
Reasons Your Stepchild Is Telling Lies
Children below the age of seven are naturally nosy. They want to be everywhere and do everything. The desire to learn about everything around them makes them push beyond their boundaries sometimes. Understanding some of the reason they lie will help equip you more better with how to deal with lying stepchild.
1. To Control The Narrative
A parent once recounted an incident where his daughter painted her toys and bed with crayons. When he asked her who was responsible for the mess she had created, she blamed her actions on her dolls. She kept reiterating the dolls did it despite she told them not to.
Now, this can be hard and frustrating. If this behavior is left unchecked, your child could develop narcissistic tendencies. In this scenario, it’s possible his daughter did not want to take responsibility for her actions. Perhaps, she was scared of the punishment that it would attract.
If your stepchild behaves this way, you need to calm down a bit. It’s quite normal. All you have to do is help the child take responsibility and let them know it is cool to clean up after they mess up. Now, this would be completely dependent on the kind of relationship you two have. You can talk to your spouse and his co-parent about this if you do not want to assume the role of the child’s guardian.
2. Stressed From Their Parents Separation
Children feel the impact of divorce the most. Life has changed in a very difficult way and settling into the new normal is not that simple.
Many children see their parent’s new spouse as the villain that came to break up the peace in their home. This feeling is seldom fueled by the other parent especially when they have not gotten over the shock of the divorce.
During a webinar conducted by a parenting expert, she recounted how one stepfather had complained about his difficult relationship with his stepdaughter who happened to be a teenager. She nursed the belief that her Mom had been cheating with her new stepfather and that was what affected her parent’s marriage. This story was planted in her mind by her father.
Children express their strengths differently. While it’s okay to empathize, it’s not okay to bear the brunt of all the chaos they are experiencing. Have a warm conversation with your stepchild and try to talk things out. Do not do this alone so your stepchild does not twist the story around again. If after several rounds of mediation nothing changes, consider having your partner relinquish custody rights to the other parents. This way, you too would not be in each other’s spaces hence the lesser the conflict.
3. They Are Having A Hard Time Accepting You
Your stepchild may be cooking up stories about you if they are having a hard time accepting you. This pattern is very common. One Ms. Greene shared with us the ordeal she faced in the early days of her marriage.
Her partner had three children from his first marriage – three daughters, while she had a son. They had discussed how to manage conflict before their marriage so they were surprised at how things got out of hand. What they thought would be a perfect blend was an everyday rollercoaster of trouble and stress. All his daughters faked liking her because they wanted their father to be happy but they didn’t think it would require so much adjusting. Her son too felt her new husband was always on his toes.
They chose to stick together and walk through their differences. Over time, she managed to build a strong bond with her husband’s daughters, and her son bonded well with her husband too. The early days can be rocky and sometimes a little patience and consistent talking is all that is needed.
However, you need to know where to draw the line. Giving them time to adjust does not mean allowing them to trample upon your rights. There must be boundaries in every situation regardless of the underlying concerns.
4. Tantrums
Children throw tantrums a lot. They could be blaming their bad behavior on you because they know they would have to address it if they said otherwise. For example, your stepchild could be telling their biological parents you are starving them so no one knows they have developed eating disorders. Or, they could be saying you are hitting them as a way of escaping from your home. Once you notice these signs, speak to your partner about them. Together, you two can decide a way out.
Also Read: 15 Bad Habits In Children, And How to Deal With them
How To Deal With Lying Stepchild
This can be a highly distressing situation but there are ways to walk around it. The following are tips to help you manage this, and deal with lying stepchild;
1. Be Patient
Most of the time, marrying someone with children comes with a lot of baggage. But, it should not be too much for you and your partner to handle. Tender your complaints to your partner, and let them know how you feel. It’s okay if you are displeased and uncomfortable with the arrangement, there are easier alternatives that you guys can explore.
Your step child’s behavior should not cause a strain on your relationship. Some people had complained about their partners believing their children over them. It’s a noble thing to be patient and try to make your marriage work but the moment it becomes unbearable and toxic, the next option may be ending the marriage.
2. Protect Your Energy
Most step parents believed all would go well before they said ‘I do’ to their partners. However, things do not always turn out the way we expect. Try to protect your energy. This would be hard when you constantly leave under the same roof with your stepchildren but you have to stay strong.
Do not engage with them when they disrespect you or make funny allegations. Try not to become defensive. Stay cool whenever you are explaining yourself. Every time your stepchild displays this behavior, call the attention of your partner. Focus on explaining the situation to your partner and resist the urge to clarify things with your stepchild. Prioritize your peace at all times.
3. Avoid their Lies
I’m sure you are already wondering what this means. One easy way to save yourself from your stepchild’s drama is avoiding their lies. This does not mean avoiding them. When you avoid them, you make them feel relevant and noticed. It might encourage them to continue acting out.
To avoid their lies, you have to stay away from situations that create room for them to tell lies. Or even better, ensure you do not give them the chance to tell their lies. When you serve others, do it openly and serve them as well. Avoid having conversations with them when no one else is present. If you need them to do something around the house, make your request in the presence of your partner. This is one way to deal with lying stepchild.
4. Don’t blame yourself
Your stepchild’s creepy attitude is gaslighting. This can drive you crazy if care is not taken. It can leave you doubting your actions and giving in to their lies. If your stepchild is a good actor, their lies would look so believable – even to you.
Do not blame yourself. Most of the time, when the new parent accepts caregiving responsibility, there is a subtle expectation that they would be loved and accepted by their stepchildren. Where care is reciprocated with lies, you may start to guess yourself and believe you are not doing enough. It’s all in your head. Try to snap out of it.
5. Do not encourage their behavior
When children act out of place, they mostly do it to get attention. They use their acting out as some sort of bait to get your attention and that of their parent. Every time they succeed in doing this, they are programmed to believe their attitude is okay.
Seek out ways to ensure the child admits their wrongs. Clarify every allegation towards you. Diplomatically do this and do not stroke their ego.
6. Let Them Be
Speak to your partner, speak to the other parents, do the best you can, and let them be. Don’t try to change them by force. Try not to devote too much of your energy to them. If the lying happens on a daily basis and you notice it’s creating trust issues, take a break.
Consider leaving your apartment for a vacation so that your partner and child can talk. This might seem like running away from the problem at hand but this little break helps safeguard your mental health.
7. Encourage Them To Tell The Truth
Sometimes, getting your partner involved is not enough. Being a bit more proactive could go a long way. Help your partner in making your home a safe haven. Let your stepchild know it’s okay to make mistakes instead of telling lies. Assist them to take responsibility for their mistakes.
When the lie is about things like homework, sleeping, or eating. Try not to make a fuss about it. Simply state the wrong doing and ask them to do the right thing. Your partner should lend his voice too. With time, they might abandon the habit.
8. Speak With Your Stepchild
This is the last option on our list of how to deal with lying stepchild because it triumphs all the others. Speaking works like magic if the right matters are addressed at the right time. Also, a bit of introspection might help you realize the things you may have done that upset your child. You might never know, your stepchild may be this grumpy because they are holding a grudge against you.
The early years of moving in with your partner are very unsettling for the children. You may have done something sweet with good intentions but your actions were read wrongly because your stepchild had not yet accepted you. Try to break down those barriers and form a bond.
Multiple conversations held at your stepchild’s convenience will help your stepchild understand you better. They may be willing to trust and accept you when they get to understand you. Although, the conversations should not be in any way pushy. Before bringing up crucial matters, seek their permission. Get proper confirmation that they are interested in talking. Involving their parent so it looks like family time will help a lot. After a while, you might be able to get your stepchild to abandon their habit while building a relationship with them.