I have heard many new parents say, ‘I hate my stepson – what do I do?’ Note that I did not say ‘mothers’, but ‘parents.’ It is not peculiar to mothers alone, and it is something that many people are battling with on a daily basis.
However, if your question is why, and what can you do about it? Then you are asking the right questions – which is a wonderful thing. While we agree that this may be a normal feeling (in some way) and you are not alone, hatred is a strong term.
The feeling of hatred should have no place in a home – or for a child, whether the child is your stepson or not. Children deserve love, and as a parent, you should not only love them but teach them to love also.
If you have ever thought to yourself – oh, I hate my stepson – why and what should I do? Then this article is for you.
In this article, we will proffer professional advice to guide you on what to do. So that you will not only begin to love your stepson, but will also get him to love you in return.
Why Do I Hate My Stepson? – Possible Reasons You Don’t Like Your Stepson
I like it when people talk about the root of a problem before trying to solve that problem. If you can outline and understand the reasons why you don’t like your stepson, it would be easier to work on liking him.
A good place to start off is to take a look at the possible reasons why you do not like your first son in the first place.
Below, we have highlighted a few possible reasons why you may feel hatred for your stepson. From this list, you will see all the possible reasons behind the hatred you feel for your stepson. Oh yes, it may not be what you were thinking in the first place. So, let’s get to it, shall we?
10 Possible Reasons Why You Hate Your Stepson
1. He Doesn’t Like or Respect You
Yes, your stepson may not just like you, and this may mean he doesn’t respect you. For many people, especially children, and young adults, respect is a product of love.
When you have a stepson who doesn’t like you or respect you, it is a possible reason to feel hatred towards them. The interesting thing about this is that the hatred you feel for him will seem justified. To you, the question is, why should I love someone who hates and disrespects me?
2. He Acts Like the Man of the House
Yes, I can understand this. When you came into the house, you expected to be under one man. But here he is – a stepson who thinks you are in his house and so should play by his rules.
There cannot be two captains in a ship, and so you may hate your stepson because of his attitude. You want to make him understand so bad that he is not the man of the house. But you wish you could!
3. You Do Not Like His Mother
If you marry a man whose first wife you do not like, there is every tendency that you will not like her son either. It is very easy to transfer the hatred you have for your spouse’s ex-partner onto your stepson.
So, in case you have not figured it out already, the reason why you may feel hatred for your stepson may be because of his mother. This means that he is probably suffering for something he knows nothing about.
4. He Doesn’t Like Your Kids
Every mother is very protective of her kids. So, I would not blame you if the reason why you have a feeling of hatred for your son is that he doesn’t like your child or kids.
This is another possible reason why you may feel hatred for your stepson and feel justified about it.
5. You Feel Threatened By His Actions
There is a possibility that you feel threatened by the actions of your stepson. This is more likely to occur if he is an older child or teenager. If you feel threatened by a person who lives under the same roof or is often around, there is a possibility that you will feel hatred for him.
So, you need to take a deep breath and ask yourself if you feel threatened by your stepson. You also need to identify and outline what he does that you feel threatened by.
6. He Has Bad Behaviors and Lacks Discipline
One of the possible reasons why you may feel hatred for your stepson is if he has bad behaviors or lacks discipline. If you are someone who is particular about how children behave, you are likely to feel hatred for a child that doesn’t behave right and doesn’t want to take corrections.
So, the reason why you feel hatred for him may be as a result of his behavior.
7. He Reminds You That You Are Not His Mother
What could be more hurting than hearing a child you see as your own remind you of the fact that you are not his mother? The reality can be damning, and it may make you feel hatred for him.
It is possible that you tried to show him love and care, but he kept reminding you that you are not his mum. This could be the reason why your feeling of love suddenly translated into hatred.
8. He Doesn’t Give You Privacy
One of the possible reasons why you may feel hatred for your stepson is if he doesn’t give you privacy. Perhaps he stays under the same roof as you and feels he can remain in the room when you are undressing or dressing up.
Or probably he walks into your bedroom without seeing a need to knock first. Either way, this is something every woman hates, and it may translate into you feeling hatred for your stepson.
9. He Demands So Much Attention from Your Partner
Another reason why you may feel hatred for your stepson is his attitude toward your partner. Probably he is an attention seeker who doesn’t allow you and your partner have some alone time.
He always seems to be around and wants all the attention to himself – all the time. You are the woman in the house, and he is taking all the attention. We understand.
10. He Tells You That He Hates You
One major reason why you feel hatred for your stepson may be because he has told you to your face that he hates you. It isn’t easy to love someone who hates you and has told you to your face that he does.
If this is the situation, you need to be careful how you handle the situation and consider talking to your partner about it.
I Can’t Stand my Stepson – What to Do When You Can’t Stand Your Stepson
When you are in a marriage where you feel hatred for your stepson, things can get complicated. One thing you have to accept is that when you said “I do” to your partner – it includes all the baggage. Yes, including your stepson.
So, you have to look for a way to remedy the situation. We understand that you cannot stand your stepson. But the truth is that you will have to do something about it.
Below, we have highlighted a few points of note to help you make things work, and your marriage enjoyable.
8 Tips on What to Do When You Can’t Stand Your Stepson
1. Establish Ground Rules in the Home
It is always a good decision to establish some ground rules. The thing about ground rules is that you need to make sure that you and your spouse – and kids, obey the rules.
The ground rules should govern everyone so that your stepson doesn’t feel targeted in any way. Also, make sure this is something you discuss with your spouse first, then the entire family.
2. Put Yourself in His Shoes
You have to understand that your stepson is going through a lot and needs help. Do not judge him from the outside, but try and see from his perspective. It is easy to see all his bad behavior, but try and understand that he is frustrated. He is coping with a major change in his life, and you are right in the middle of it.
3. Bring Your Expectations Lower
Is there a possibility that you are expecting too much from your stepson? When you have a high expectation, it is very easy to be disappointed. But when your expectation is low – as it should be, you will discover that you would hardly get disappointed by his actions.
4. Remember You are Now His Parent
You need to understand that you have suddenly become a parent to this child. So you have to treat him in the same way you would treat your own child.
It would be best if you positioned yourself as a mother, role model, and leader – not a stepmom. As a kid, he has the leverage to exercise a poor behavior, but you do not. You are an adult – and should act like one.
5. Apologize When You Need To
Whenever you notice that you have made a mistake or stepped out of line, you should apologize. Never be too proud to say sorry when you make a mistake or act irrationally.
This simple but important gesture can make you earn the respect of your stepson in ways you least expect.
6. Always Be a Fair Judge
In your expectations, demands, and actions, you should always be fair. Do not create difficult situations or raise the bar too high for your stepson.
If you have kids of your own, then make sure that they are all judged with the same parameters. Do not be biased, and expect your stepson to respect and love you.
7. You Need to Understand Kids
You need to understand that kids often have a hard time admitting that they are wrong. They have different ways of reacting, and what you may be witnessing may be a childish reaction.
Try to take a few steps backward in understanding how a kid reacts. When you do, you will find out that you are relating better with your stepson.
8. Share Your Concerns With Your Spouse
There comes a time in all of these where you have to share your concerns with your spouse and seek his help. Your spouse understands your stepson more than you do.
He also probably has a better relationship with him. So, it is a good decision to bring him into the picture and seek his advice in relating with your stepson.
How do I Stop Hating My Stepson
It is a good decision that you want to take steps to stop hating your stepson. If you plan on having a fulfilling and enjoyable marriage relationship with your spouse, you need to stop hating your stepson.
To be straightforward with you, and advise you candidly, the best way to stop hating on your stepson is to act more maturely.
Yes, there are some things that he may be doing that are genuinely wrong, but you have to manage the situation.
Below, we have highlighted some tips to adopt if you wish to stop hating your stepson.
3 Tips on How to Stop Hating Your Stepson
1. Talk to Him About His Attitude
If he is old enough, try to have a talk with him about his attitude. If you are doing this, I will advise you to have your partner involved and present during the discussion.
2. Do Not Take It Personal
Have you ever considered maybe you are taking all these too personally? Your stepson is a kid and may just be acting his age. Maybe it is not about you. You have to see it from this perspective sometimes.
3. Replace Your Hatred With Love
Make a decision to love him regardless of his behavior. Good always overcomes evil. You should consider making a decision to love your stepson regardless of your thoughts about whether he deserves it or not.